How I Feel

I've prayed for as long as I can remember. Well into "mid-life" now (okay, more into it than I'd care to admit) I think back on my early days of prayer. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Mommy and Daddy and..." and so it would go. And so it goes?

I don't exactly remember when my prayers changed, but they did. My prayers became more direct, less rhythmical and likely less innocent. They were more "mature" to be sure, but left little room to speak praise to the Creator celebrating all the amazing things He has done, is doing or will do and even less room for Him to speak. Too often, my prayers rolled into instant requests ("petition" is the churchy word for it) -- as if I were peeling off some divine shopping list -- I would sit, sometimes kneel, rarely stand... to tell God everything I wanted but rarely, if ever, gave Him room to speak.

One day though I heard from Him. It wasn't necessarily a voice as classically defined, but He definitely spoke and our conversations changed again. Now while the words were the same, the movements were different, stronger, better, more passionate... filled with wonder and awe. Then... one day... we spoke differently, still. Rather than me telling God only what I wanted (knowing that He could -- and maybe would -- provide my request)... I told Him how I felt.

I waiting to hear from Him again... and I waited some more... and waited still. I waited so long I thought maybe He had forgotten me. I waited and wondered if my feelings had somehow offended Him. Then, one day He spoke again. It was not a "yes" or a "no" about something I wanted (or even needed)... God spoke about how I felt and He mentioned how He felt, too. The experience still brings tears to my eyes because it was so real and so personal. Sharing feelings between the two of us.

What is true about prayer I'm finding is true in some of the most important relationships in my life. I can hear what people want and I may even be fortunate to hear what they need. But how often do we share how we feel? Sharing feelings opens up the deepest places inside us. It lets someone into the chambers of self where we can be most afraid. Places we usually keep locked up and guarded. Rejecting what I want (or even need) is one thing. But rejecting how I feel, dismisses the very essence of who I am. It is scary to share how we feel.

You can tell me what you want and not go very deep with me. You can share what you need and we'll get closer once you trust I won't reject you for being honest. But tell me how you feel and we begin finding deep relationship. Share with me how you feel and we can experience unimaginable things!

Whether in prayer or in the most important relationships of life, it is important to share how we feel. God waits to share relationship - intimacy - with us at every level. There are at least a few people in life who want the same thing with you, but you've got to be willing to risk going there with them.

God loves you more than you can imagine. Some people in your life love you more than you can imagine, too. But if you don't trust them with how you really feel, how will you ever really be close?

Please... tell me how you feel.