The Fear of Listening

Among the greatest fears in the human experience is (apparently) the fear of standing before other human beings and publically speaking. For some, even the thought of standing before a group and opening one's mouth to speak is incomprehensible. There seems to be a magic number of persons in an audience that moves a speaker from functional to mute. For some that number is as few as only a "few," and a paralysis so severe overwhelmingly grips them that nothing more than muted groans emerge. I (perhaps unfortunately at times) have never been one of those people fearful to speak in public.

My first "stage oration" came at the tender age of five. At the Kindergarten fall performance for Lockhaven Christian School, I announced to a crowd of what might as well have been 10,000 people (it was likely less than 300), "Meow, I'm in the Kindergarten class!" (Yes, I was dressed as a kitty cat and had a stunning terrycloth covered, tail, a furry wig and mascaraed whiskers to help sell the line). Likely incriminating pictures exist somewhere in this world.

I've never feared the stage before (how much stage presentation is offered a four-year-old anyway) or since. Public speaking has come as naturally to me as breath, and sometimes even more naturally, as I've literally at times found my words outlasting my physical breath (a frustration that occasionally strikes public speakers).

Many are the opportunities for those who are comfortable with public speech (or find themselves wanting to be more comfortable) to increase their skills and expertise. High school and college courses, business courses, Toastmasters, speaking clubs, etc. offer countless opportunities to become a better orator. While there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to develop one's speaking abilities, it is a curious thought that our culture may excel more at speaking than we do listening. Have you ever heard of a "listening" course? Perhaps buried deep within the course catalogue for a degree in counseling, but listening is not typically highly valued in this culture.

While researchers have identified people's fear of speaking, I've not seen much study on people's fear of listening. There certainly is a fear in listening and it may be the very reason so few of us are any good at it. It takes certain levels of talent to be a good speaker, but equally is this true of being a good listener. But more than talent, being a good listener requires dedication and attention to humility and self-denial and this is where fear enters the picture.

Living within a culture emphasizing autonomy and self-interest, it is difficult to find good listeners because there is little apparent reason to be a good listener. Most people would rather talk than listen, even when they are deathly afraid of speaking in public. In crowds of less than a "few," most would rather be heard than to hear from someone else. So we reject our fears and "rattle off" because the fear of speaking is perceived as being less than the fear of listening.

painful life situation, because that might mean their situation is more difficult than ours and then to whom would we complain? We don't want to hear of And why should we listen to one another? Do we really want to hear about someone else'sanothers problems because, frankly, we have problems of our own we are trying to figure out. Finally, we don't really want to listen to a rebuke or exhortation because that would require that we possibly change something about ourselves. Change hurts and we don't want to hurt because we already have "problems" of our own. So we remain in a self-induced fear cycle and speaking wins over hearing virtually every time.

Take a close listen to your next conversation or to the conversation of others and observe if you can find a good listener in the group. If so, stay near that person for the one who can listen will prove to be a good servant to all. Not only will you likely need their ear at some time, but you may learn something from them as well.

The reality is that if we are ever going to live in the authentic spiritual communities for which we were created, we are going to have to learn how be better listeners. We're going to have to get over our fear of the implications of listening and open our ears to the world we see around us.

Once we are given ears to hear the needs of others around us, we will not hear another's words as threat or problem, but we will embrace them as opportunities to live in authentic community with one another and be the blessing we are intended to be.

"Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise;
apply your heart to what I teach,
for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart
and have all of them ready on your lips."
Prov. 22:17-18